A Killer’s Guide to the Top 5 Best Places to Commit Murder in the United States

So you’ve just snapped. The HOA president threatened to fine you again over your Christmas inflatables. Your boss sent one more “per my last email.” Or maybe you just have a very particular set of skills and no job market for them. Either way, you’re in the mood for homicide.
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But where to do it?

That’s where we come in. Thanks to the FBI’s Crime in the United States reports and a stunning array of police departments that apparently moonlight as amateur improv troupes (“Yes, and… we lost the evidence again”), we now know that some cities simply don’t bother solving murders.

This isn’t a crime column. It’s a real estate column. Whether you’re a mobster, a jilted lover, or just deeply committed to anonymity, you need the right metro area to match your criminal aspirations.

So here it is: our exclusive, data-driven rundown of the Top Five U.S. Cities Where Murder Is a Misdemeanor.
 
1. Chicago, IL – “The Windy City Blows Cases Cold”
Clearance Rate: ~36%
Tagline: Come for the deep dish, stay for the lack of follow-through.
Chicago tops the list not just for volume (with nearly 700 homicides a year), but for sheer bureaucratic finesse. CPD detectives have mastered the art of the “non-cooperative witness” shrug, and nobody does community-police dysfunction quite like Chi-Town.
Bonus: If your victim is Black and male, the odds of your case being closed are so low that you might get a congratulatory fruit basket from the local Fraternal Order of Police.
 
2. St. Louis, MO – “Where the Arch Isn’t the Only Thing Getting Away”
Clearance Rate: ~35%
Tagline: Gateway to the West... and also the morgue.
St. Louis has one of the highest homicide rates in America, but impressively manages not to solve the majority of them. The city's homicide detectives are so overwhelmed that many murder cases are investigated on the exact timetable as pothole repair: eventually, probably, maybe.
Hot Tip: Use the city-county governance confusion to your advantage. Just commit the crime on the border and let the jurisdictional tennis match begin.
 
3. Baltimore, MD – “The Wire Was a Documentary, Not a Warning”
Clearance Rate: ~43%
Tagline: Murderland, USA: Now with budget cuts!
You’d think after 20 years of being dragged in media and fiction for their homicide stats, things would’ve improved. You’d be wrong. In Baltimore, your odds of getting caught are worse than your odds of finding a functioning streetlight. Investigations often compete for resources with rat abatement and water-main repairs.
Cultural Note: The police department may be too busy being federally monitored to notice you.
 
4. Atlanta, GA – “Where Things Go Missing, Including Justice”
Clearance Rate: ~37%
Tagline: Hotlanta: Great for peaches and perfect for perps.
Atlanta’s got traffic, music, tech startups... and a tragically hip homicide division that prefers vibes to convictions. With a growing metro area and a shrinking clearance rate, this is a city where gentrification moves faster than justice.
Pro Tip: Blame it on a festival. There’s always one.
 
5. New Orleans, LA – “Jazz Funerals, But No Prosecutions”
Clearance Rate: ~27%
Tagline: Let the good times roll, and let the body count climb.
NOLA’s homicide clearance rate is so low it's practically an invitation. Combine underfunded policing, political infighting, and generational distrust, and you’ve got a Big Easy crime buffet; bonus points for the humidity erasing evidence in real time.
Bonus: If it’s Mardi Gras, you might not even make the front page.

Honorable Mentions:

• Philadelphia – City of Brotherly Love (except for witnesses)
• Detroit – Economic ruin meets forensic vacation
• Albuquerque – Breaking Bad was tame compared to the real stats

 
Why This Happens (In Case You’re Feeling Guilty Now)

It’s not just about lazy cops. Many of these departments are woefully underfunded, lack training in modern forensics, and face deep distrust from communities that know snitching doesn’t pay because the killers are back out in 48 hours. Mix in a little politics, case overload, and the occasional mayoral scandal, and voilà: your murder gets filed under "unsolved" forever.

In short, the U.S. justice system is not broken—it’s working precisely as neglected, under-resourced systems are designed to.

Final Verdict (Pun Intended):

If your goal is never to wear orange, skip the ski mask and pick the correct ZIP code instead. These cities aren’t just failing to close cases, they’re offering what some might call frequent flier programs for felons.
But hey, this is satire. Don’t commit murder. Seriously.

Unless you’re trying to kill the vibe at a crime statistics conference, in that case, mission accomplished.